Netcoves.com

Hi Deon,

Thanks for writing in for some advice on what is usually such a private decision, we’re really glad you did.

There are a lot of things in your post I’d like to address, so I’ll get to each in turn. First, though, I want to discuss “virginity”.

A lot of people assume that virginity means having not had penile-vaginal intercourse. However, more and more people and experts are coming to define virginity as having not ever had a partnered sexual experience. Meaning they have engaged in sexual behaviors, such as oral sex, with another person.  If you think about it, manual and oral sexual behaviors are just that – sexual behaviors. It is sex. Some people decide to stop considering themselves virgins after they have engaged in oral or manual stimulation, for women who are sexual with women this is especially true since they most likely will never have penile-vaginal intercourse. In essence what I’m trying to say is that there shouldn’t be an emphasis on penile-vaginal intercourse being the, and only, marker of whether or not someone is a virgin.

Next, I want to explore with you why it is so important that your partner be a virgin too. I understand wanting to have such an important experience with someone who is the same place as you. The first time someone has sexual intercourse can be exciting, and a little scary and anxiety-inducing and comes with a lot of responsibility for each other’s sexual health, and having someone who you know will be experiencing those same things for the first time with you can be comforting. But ultimately, the best “first time” experience will be one in which you love and trust your partner. Most of the time, people think that their first time will be what they see on t.v. or in movies, but usually it can be a bit awkward and trusting your partner can make it less so. Trust, good communication, taking responsibility for your sexual health by using a condom and/or birth control, and love will be more important than whether one or both of you is a virgin.

Also, while this may not be her first time, it would be (if you two discuss it and she wants to begin a sexual relationship with you) her first time with you, and that in and of itself can be incredibly meaningful when you truly care for the person you are with. Think about it this way, if you have kissed other girls before your girlfriend. That first time was really exciting, and you were probably pretty nervous, and you’ll always look back at that person fondly (hopefully, if it was a good experience), but the next time you kissed someone you really, really liked it was just as exciting and nerve-wracking. You get a “first time” with each person and depending on your level of feelings and trust with that person it can be even better, or not. I’m not trying to equate kissing with the level of intimacy and responsibility that comes with having sexual intercourse, but I am trying to say that you don’t only get one first time. The more special that person and relationship is to you the better the experience will be.

In addition, I would strongly urge you to talk with your partner, not only about your fears in this being your first time, and being “that other guy”, but you should also discuss with her about even beginning a sexual relationship. She may not be ready for one in the context of your relationship yet, and if she is not you need to respect her wishes. Just because someone has had sex previously, does not mean they have to continue having sex with the same partner, or a different partner if they do not want to. This goes for both guys and girls. And, if she is ready, and you two discuss it and decide you want to begin having sexual intercourse, you should also be discussing how to protect yourselves. Will she go on birth control to prevent pregnancy? How will you protect yourselves from STDs? Would you both get tested for STDs before having sex? How will you each feel the day after? What do you hope to gain by starting a sexual relationship? Trust? Intimacy? These are all very important things to discuss, and not just once but several times, with your partner. Good communication will not only ease some of your insecurities, but it will build trust and honesty in your relationship and it will ensure that you are both taking responsibility for your sexual health and that you are staying safe.

Finally, it’s a good idea to talk with a trusted adult in your life, someone who will listen to your fears and help you to decide whether or not you truly are ready to begin a sexual relationship with your girlfriend. Is there a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, coach or family friend you feel you can talk to about this honestly? A trusted adult will have your best interests at heart and can help you sort through all of your feelings.

If after talking to your partner and a trusted adult you feel you truly are ready, I’ve included some links below on hormonal birth control, how to use a condom, getting tested for STDs and how to sort through your feelings surrounding having sexual intercourse for the first time. I hope this helps!

Condoms: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/birth_control/1062

Birth Control: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/girls_health/946

“The morning after”: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/deciding_sex/858

Knowing if you’re ready: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/deciding_sex/694

Things to do before deciding to have sex: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/deciding_sex/695

Hi _kimberly,

Thanks for the great question!

Pre-ejaculate does not normally contain sperm. Pre-ejaculate consists of all the other fluids found in semen. However, there is the possibility that sometimes a male’s pre-ejaculate contains sperm, but it is a very specific case. The only time there would be sperm in a male’s pre-ejaculate is if a male has ejaculated, has not urinated, and then becomes sexually aroused again and pre-ejaculate is released. If a male has urinated after he ejaculates any sperm that may be in the urethra is flushed out and will die and there will not be any sperm in his pre-ejaculate the next time he has an erection. If the male has not urinated after ejaculation, then there is a chance that pregnancy can occur from pre-ejaculate, but it is still unlikely.

The best way to stay safe is to use a condom during manual or oral stimulation, or any kind of sexual intercourse. Not only do condoms help prevent pregnancy, should the male ejaculate in or around his female partner’s vaginal opening, or should his pre-ejaculate contain sperm, but it also helps prevent against STDs. Condoms are 98% effective with perfect usage at preventing both pregnancy and STDs.

I’ve included some links below about how to properly use a condom, as well as one about pre-ejaculate. I hope this helps!

http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnancy/1062

http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnancy/992

Hi DCarter,

Thanks for writing into us!

I cannot tell you exactly what to do, and this is because different people find different things pleasurable. This is a good chance for you and your partner to discuss your likes and dislikes, what you are comfortable with sexually, and about what makes each of you feel good. Talking about what each of you likes not only practices good communication skills but it can enhance the trust in your relationship. I hope this helps!

Hi airborne008,

Thanks for the great question!

What your biology teacher was probably referring to is if a boy ejaculates, or “cums”, and then urinates, any semen or “cum” that was still in the urethra will be flushed out of the urethra and the sperm will be unable to survive because of the urine. The urethra is the tube that carries urine from the bladder to the outside of the body. In a male the urethra is also the passageway for semen.

However, a girl urinating after vaginal intercourse does not prevent pregnancy. The reason for this is because unlike in a male, the vaginal opening and the urethra are two different openings. So when a male ejaculates in a female’s vagina, and then the girl urinates, the urine is not coming from the vagina and does not flush out semen. However, urinating after vaginal intercourse can help prevent a urinary tract infection.  

I’ve included a link below talking more about this myth, I hope this helps!

http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnancy/926

Hi TheChosenLnE,

Thanks for writing to us! I know that this is probably a very stressful time for you.

First, I just want to let you know that your partner cannot get pregnant if you ejaculate in water. This is the “hot tub” myth, which says if a guy ejaculates in a hot tub, or pool, or any body of water (and not actually inside of his partner) that a girl can get pregnant. However, sperm cannot swim through water and the semen will be diluted by the water, and if it is in a hot tub or bathtub the soap and other chemicals will kill the sperm. But, if the guy ejaculates inside of his female partner in a hot tub, bathtub, pool or any other body of water, there is the possibility of pregnancy. I’ve included a link to a FAQ from our site if you would like further information.

http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnancy/993

Also, it is great that you have been using condoms in the past. Condoms are 98% effective with perfect usage, which includes checking the expiration date. They also help protect against STDs, which hormonal birth control cannot do.  

I understand that you are upset with yourself, and while seeking professional help is something only you can decide for yourself, talking to someone you trust about any anxiety you are feeling regarding any sexual behaviors is always a great option. The trusted adult could be a parent, family friend, counselor, clergy person or teacher. Not to mention, communicating with your partner about how you will be safer in the future and having a plan for how to avoid this situation again is great also. Communication between you and your partner and between you and a trusted adult will do a lot to relieve any anxiety.

If you and/or your partner are worried about the possibility of pregnancy taking a home pregnancy test is a great option. Or she may want to visit a free or low-cost clinic to get a free or reduced-cost pregnancy test. You two may even want to discuss hormonal birth control as an extra precaution against pregnancy, along with continued condom usage. Clinics can also help find the right birth control method for her, if she decides that this is a good option for her. I’ve included a link below for a site where you two can find a clinic closest to you should you want to check out their services.  

I hope this helps!

http://nfprha.org/main/about_us.cfm?Category=Member_Clinic_D irectory&Section=Main

Hey lanecia,

If you have had unprotected sex, pregnancy is a possibility.  If the unprotected sex between you and your partner happened less than 120 hours ago, then you can go to a local pharmacy (as long as you are over 17, bring ID) and purchase emergency contraception  (two pills, taken separately as directed)  which can prevent pregnancy even after unprotected sex.  If you are 16 or younger, you need a prescription for emergency contraception, which you can either get through your doctor or at a clinic, I have posted a link below where you can find a free or low-cost clinic near you.

http://nfprha.org/main/about_us.cfm?Category=Member_Clinic_D irectory&Section=Main

If you are feeling really anxious about the possibility of being pregnant after having unprotected sex, you may want to take a step back and take to yourself. Make sure that you are comfortable with any and all sexual behaviors you may be engaging in.  Being honest with yourself and your partner about what you are and are not comfortable with will go along way in relieving any anxiety.

In the future, if you choose to be sexually active, I would strongly recommend using a condom, which is 98% effective with perfect usage, or a hormonal form of birth control which you can get either from your doctor or at the clinic near you.  Hormonal birth control is 99% effective with perfect usage.  Here are some other links about how to properly put on a condom as well as explaining about hormonal birth control.  I hope this helps!

Condom: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/birth_control/1062

Birth Control: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/birth_control

Hey Just.Confused!

I’m going to answer each of your questions in turn, they are all really great!

What you most likely felt on your hand was pre-ejaculate, or “pre-cum”, which is a natural lubricant made of all of the fluids found in ejaculate, minus the sperm.  As for the color of ejaculate or pre-ejaculate, it is a clear to white colored sticky fluid.

It is possible for a guy to ejaculate when stimulated, regardless of how that stimulation happens. If he were to ejaculate from manual stimulation, there would be about a teaspoon of fluid, as opposed to the slight stickiness associated with pre-ejaculate. As for knowing if it were to happen, that is a great way for you and your partner to communicate about your sexual behaviors.  A boy will definitely know if it has happened, talking to him and getting to know your partner better is the best way to be sure.

As for the last question you asked, if your partner did not ejaculate and only touched the pre-ejaculate before fingering you, the chances are extremely slim that you could be pregnant from it.  Pre-ejaculate does not contain sperm. However, if he ejaculated before you were giving him the hand job and did not urinate afterward, some sperm could have been left in the urethra and then could have been picked up by the pre-ejaculate. However, even still it is unlikely for you to become pregnant from pre-ejaculate.  If he did fully ejaculate, touched the ejaculate and then entered his fingers into the vaginal opening there is better, but still small, chance that you could become pregnant from this.

The best way to alleviate any anxiety you seem to be feeling is to use a condom which is 98% effective at preventing pregnancy, and to keep any ejaculate away from the vaginal opening, and to wash your hands before and after any sexual behaviors.  

Hope this helps!

First of all, it is understandable when you care about someone for it to be hard for you to think about them with another person. But it is actually really great that your girlfriend felt comfortable enough to open up to you and be honest about any past partners.  Communication about sexual history is extremely important and it can create a sense of feeling closer to your partner when you know that they trust you enough to tell you the truth.

Perhaps, talk to your girlfriend about why it upsets you but understand that she is taking a huge step towards showing her trust in you by opening up.  This could be a great step in the right direction towards better communication and strengthening your relationship.

Also, while anger is a completely natural emotion, sometimes as humans we let our anger get in the way and end up hurting the feelings of those we care about the most.  So you may want to think about how you handle feeling angry.  Do you go for a run? Talk it out with your friends or a trusted adult? Maybe you like to write out your anger until you are calm again? These are all great healthy ways to channel your anger!

What do other forum readers think?

“I regret the first time I had sex. I was very young, naive and irresponsible. I was under the impression that all of my friends were having sex, which I now know was not true.”

—Lee, 17, Oregon

Read More

“Her period was two weeks late, and I never have waited so long for something. I was thinking, I’m not ready for a child.”

—David, New Jersey

Read More