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Hey playa101,

Every person has a different definition of what makes them a virgin.  Some people consider a girl to no longer be a virgin when the hymen is broken, however the hymen can be broken by just using a tampon or from physical activity.  Some people say guys only lose their virginity when they have vaginal intercourse, however some gay men never have vaginal intercourse, so does that mean they are always a virgin?  It really depends on the persons own person definition of virginity.  

Since people’s definition vary, it is important to talk to your partner about their definition, because they may have engaged in behavior that has put them at risk for an STD, but still consider themselves a virgin.

So the only answer I can give you to your question is do you still consider yourself a virgin?  That is really what is important.

Hi blowxmeaway,

First things first, just because you’re a virgin (however you define it) doesn’t mean much of anything about the size or capability of your vagina. The vagina is a muscle, and like other muscles in the body, it’s capable of of a whole lot. Though definitely not everyone chooses to use them in this way, the vagina is designed to fit a baby (and a baby’s head, and shoulders, and all of its parts) out during delivery, and that’s certainly bigger than any penis out there.

It’s just important to take time and care when you’re being intimate with someone else. Making sure that each of you are truly turned on, that you’ve had the chance for your body to produce lubrication (and/or you’re using a water-based lubricant), that you move together at a pace that feels comfortable, and, most importantly, that you really want to be doing what you’re doing.

Communication is key. So make sure that before you’re jumping into anything you have some conversation about any fears you might have, what you want or expect, and how you’ll communicate in the moment so you can let each other know what feels good or what doesn’t feel so great.

And, if after all that, things still don’t feel good for you, I’d suggest stopping. Sex is not supposed to be painful, and if you just try to push through when something doesn’t feel good, your body will probably remember that and tense up the next time you try.

Finally, it’s not something you mentioned but a plug that I’ll throw in for good measure. They make all kinds of sizes of condoms, including condoms for larger guys (though you’d be surprised at how stretchy even a non-XL condom is). It’s important to talk about protection from unintended pregnancy and STDs before you do anything that carries those risks. Know that there are lots of condom options out there, and condoms, when used correctly, are highly effective at reducing your risk of pregnancy or transmitting an STD.

Hi tnk32109,

Well, the good news is that there’s no one way to give oral sex “right”, so you don’t really need to stress about it. Not everyone likes the same kind of touching or feels pleasure in the same way.

When you’re talking with your boyfriend, you may want to find out if he’s explored his own body through masturbation. If he has, he might be able to share with you some information about what feels good for him. And whether he knows that for himself or he doesn’t, a really good bet to make sure that things feel good for him is to talk to him while you’re having sex. Check in. See if what you’re doing feels good. Ask him what he’d like. Communication is super important when people are having any kind of sex!

As much as sometimes we might wish that we could just read minds, or we’re given the impression from TV and movies that you should automatically know what to do, the reality is that nobody ever knows what another person likes until they talk about it.

But your pleasure is also really important. So if after you’ve talked you’re still feeling uncomfortable or like you don’t want to give him oral sex, know that you have the right to decide that you don’t want to do that. If it’s not something that you want to do, or it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should let him know that.

In your conversations about oral sex, be sure that you talk about protection. Various STDs can be spread through unprotected oral sex, but using latex barriers, like condoms and dental dams, is one way to reduce that risk. Here’s more information about STDs and oral sex: