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Hi eddiegamer,

Thanks for writing in with such a great question!

During puberty it is normal to fantasize about sexual things, including members of a different sex, or even the same sex. Some boys or girls may enjoy watching two women kiss, others may not find it enjoyable at all. And this is okay because everyone is different and everyone finds different things sexually arousing. It is perfectly normal for you to find this sexually arousing, and it is normal if other people do not.

With that being said, in American culture two women kissing is considered taboo and has become a very sexualized act, in other cultures this may not at all be the case. Some women and girls who identify as lesbian do not like the fact that men are watching them kissing and becoming sexually aroused by it. Usually the fantasy portrayed in pornography is that the two women kissing are doing it for the enjoyment of a man. However, in real life, when two women who identify as lesbian, or two women who enjoy kissing other women as a part of their sexual identity, are doing it, it is because they enjoy it, and not because they are trying to sexually excite a male. They may even find the portrayal of their sexuality for the pleasure of men in media, such as pornography, offensive. I hope this helps!

Hi mpv314,

Thanks for writing in, it sounds as if this is a difficult time for you.

It is great that you and your girlfriend both found your first time to be enjoyable and fulfilling and it seems as if it made you two feel closer to each other. Not to mention, you and your girlfriend used condoms; it sounds as if you were both being very responsible and mature about having sex, and you should be proud of yourselves.

Sometimes, however, grown ups, such as parents, do not agree with the teenagers, especially their sons and daughters, engaging in sexual behaviors. However, sex is a natural, healthy, normal part of life. No one should have to feel shamed for their sexuality. It is unfortunate though that some parents react negatively towards their teenagers having sex. But as you can see with your girlfriend’s mother’s reaction, some parents can be very supportive.

While, it is not your parent that reacted negatively, I am sure that it still hurt very much. You and your girlfriend were trying to express your love for each other and you are being judged for your actions – that can hurt quite a bit. In order to figure out how to handle the situation, I would talk with your girlfriend first. It would be a shame to lose what you say is such a loving relationship because of an outside person’s reaction. Perhaps ask your girlfriend how she would like to handle the situation. She can give you guidance on where you two can go from here. Being on the same page as your partner can really help in situations like these, and it will give you both a chance to express how you are feeling in a healthy way.

I would also suggest talking to a trusted adult. Is there a parent, a teacher, a guidance counselor or coach you can talk to? Or even, maybe, your girlfriend’s mother? Trusted adults can really be helpful and give great advice while keeping your best interests at heart. I hope this helps.

My partner and I had sex. It just kinda happened. I am on birth control, and he pulled out, so I’m not TOO worried about a pregnancy. But It’s been 4 days since we talked. He’s been doing 14 hour shifts at work so I was wondering if I should be worried that he hasn’t talked to me, or if I should just wait and see. I’m worried that I did something wrong, it was my first time and I just don’t want this to be the end of everything.

Hi fiction216,

Thanks for writing in with such a great question!

Masturbation is usually a very private topic to most people, although some people do not mind talking about it and whether or not they masturbate. Just as it’s a personal decision for you to not masturbate, your friends may find it to be a private and personal matter to masturbate and they may feel uncomfortable talking about it. Your friends may masturbate and they may not, and they may not even want to discuss it. That is their decision and it should be respected.

However, if you want to begin a conversation about masturbation and your friends different opinions on it, try opening it up with a general discuss about what you have heard about masturbation and perhaps some of the stigma attached to it. Masturbation is completely normal and healthy, and it is a great way for people to learn about their bodies and what they do and do not like sexually.

How have other forum posters talked to their friends about masturbation?

Hi eddiegamer,

Thanks for writing into us, it sounds as if this situation is causing some anxiety for you.

You mention in your post that both you and your cousin were both drinking that night. Alcohol can lower our inhibitions, sometimes causing people to do things that they might not otherwise do. Also, when two people feel as if they are making a connection with each other, they may want to take the connection they are feeling on an emotional or mental level to a physical level. But just because we have a connection with someone does not necessarily mean that we have to become physical with that person.

In this country, sexual relationships, including making out, with immediate or close family members like a cousin is something many people are not comfortable with. When it is between two members of an immediate family, such as a brother and a sister or a parent and a child, it is called incest and is against the law. Even though you and your cousin are not immediate family members, this could be really problematic if it were to continue.

Sometimes, even with people who aren’t a part of our families, we are attracted to someone or end up becoming sexual with someone when it probably wasn’t a good idea to do so. So, just as if this were someone not in your family, it would be good idea not to engage in this behavior with your cousin again. I would also suggest talking to a trusted adult who really knows you, such as a parent or guardian, a family friend, a teacher, a guidance counselor, a clergy person or coach can help you to sort out how you are feeling. Trusted adults are great people to talk to about any situation because they have your best interests at heart and they can help you figure out how to handle difficult situations. I hope this helps.

Hi littlemickey,

Thanks for the great question!

Let me start off by saying that the experience is different for every person, and only you will be able to say whether it is enjoyable or not for you. Also, it is great that you on a hormonal form of birth control, but continuing to use a condom, which is 98% effective, is a great way to prevent STDs since hormonal birth control does not protect against STDs.

As for how it feels, orgasms are caused by muscle spasms and the release of built up tension in the body, this is true for both males and females. So when a male orgasms and ejaculates in a female’s vagina she can usually feel the spasms the male’s body is experiencing. However, this may not be the case for all women. This may bring some women to orgasm, others may not feel anything, and others may feel discomfort or pain. It really all depends on the person. I hope this helps!

Hi cupcakeezx11,

Thank you for writing into us. Having this discussion with a partner can be very difficult and we’re really glad that you’ve come to us at Sex, etc. to learn how to talk with your partner better.

First, I want to applaud you for being so self-aware. You have recognized that you do not want to continue to have sex, and you have set boundaries for yourself. Sex can be a wonderful part of a healthy relationship, when both people want and are ready to begin having sex. But anyone can still choose to not have sex after having already had sex, whether in a current relationship or in the future. It is all about knowing what you personally are ready for and what you want, and it sounds as if you know exactly what that is.

Also, it is not right for a partner, whether male or female, to beg or try to convince or coerce their partner to have sex. No means no. Try explaining to your boyfriend why you do not want to continue to have sex, any reason is a good reason, because it is YOUR reason. Let him know how it feels when he is begging you or saying things like “if you love me you would do it”. When you love someone that does not mean that you have to have sex with them. Sex can be an expression of love or deep emotions between two people, and it can be great, but you do not have to have sex because you love someone, or because they tell you that you don’t love them when you choose not to have sex. Loving someone is a lot of different things besides having sex, such as being emotionally supportive, caring about their feelings, wanting them to be happy and to do what is best for them, and supporting the person in all of these areas.

More than anything, if your boyfriend truly respects you and cares for you, he will respect your wishes to not continue having sex. He will not try and force you or convince you to have sex, because he respects that you have made a personal decision and because when you love someone you want what is best for them.

You could also try talking to a trusted adult in your life about what is going on in your relationship. Is there a teacher, coach, family friend, parent, guidance counselor or clergy person you can talk to? Having a trusted adult to confide in can really help when struggling with tough issues such as this. These are adults who care about you and only want the best for you.

I can’t give you a specific “come back” to say to your boyfriend because the most powerful words are the ones that come from the heart. In your post you are very firm and confident that this is the right decision for you, try and use that same confidence and strength when talking with your boyfriend. It will be powerful and better than any come back I can give you because you will truly mean it.

I’ve included a link below to a story about choosing abstinence after already having had sex, you might find it helpful.

Are there any other forum posters out there who want to share their similar experiences? Post away!

http://www.sexetc.org/story/deciding_sex/5557

“This friend of mine got a check up because he thought something was wrong with him. He didn’t think it would be an STD. He thought it would never happen to him, but it did.”

—Rosaura, 17, New Jersey

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“Her period was two weeks late, and I never have waited so long for something. I was thinking, I’m not ready for a child.”

—David, New Jersey

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Hi cookiecrisp,

Thanks for writing in!

A lot of times our view of what sexual intercourse should be like in shaped by media such as the internet, television, movies and pornography. However, as you have probably learned, real life is not always like what we see on television or in movies.

Everyone experiences pleasure and sex differently, just because you are not making the same noises as people in movies does not mean that you aren’t enjoying the sexual behaviors you are engaging in. So just know, there is nothing wrong with you and you are completely normal whether you are making noise during sexual intercourse or being less vocal.

Try talking with your partner and letting him know that you are enjoying yourself (if you are not communicate with him about what you would like and what you are comfortable with). Also, you say that you may be nervous, if you are not fully comfortable with the sexual behaviors you are engaging in then you should definitely discuss sexual boundaries with your partner. All in all, this matter can be cleared up with some good, honest communication which is the foundation of any good relationship. I hope this helps!